I've decided to take the advice of the winners. Brexit means Brexit. It's the will of the people. We lost and we need to get over it. Pull together and make a success of Brexit. Forget the old ways, it's time to get behind Britain and push for those sunlit uplands. I've decided to take this on board and really take the advice of those wiser than me who know what's best and Make A Success Of It.
Armed with my new attitude, I went to the swimming pool on Saturday. A baptism, a fresh beginning. With purpose I approached the cashier - "one free swim, for a free Briton" I confidently demanded.
"Pool is closed to adult swimmers - swimming classes until noon on Saturdays" came the mealy-mouthed reply. Clearly a hide-bound thinker, afraid to look beyond the safety of the rules. So I tried a different approach.
"How do you expect to open up new economic opportunities if you're not prepared to accept new thinking?" I challenged. "It's this lack of imagination that means remoaners like you are holding back our potential. Think differently. This is a new opportunity. Brexit means Brexit, and you're standing in the way of destiny".
Half an hour later, I finished a rather challenging, but enjoyable, swim in the showers, and was getting changed, reflecting on how my new approach was really opening up new possibilities.
I went to Tesco to buy some champagne to celebrate the triggering of Article 50. British Champagne, of course. In a rather backward-looking move, it turns out Tesco don't sell British Champagne. Thanks to Brussels' red tape and rules only France can produce Champagne. This nonsense clearly had to stop.
"We're leaving the EU - get over it!" I helpfully advised the store manager. "If I want to drink British Champagne, I will, and I refuse to bend to the ridiculous rules and regulations of unelected gnomes of Belgium" I cried. "Now will you sell me some British Champagne, or do I have to find somewhere that will?"
He relented, of course. And that evening I savoured my victory, toasting our brave new future with a glass of finest Strongbow Champagne, a new marque in the world of fizzy wine that is sure to give the Veuve Cliquots of this world a run for their money, once we are finally free from tyranny, able to sell our own champagne to whom we like, not at the whim of pettifogging Eurocrats.
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